Some people think that its sex, others think that its spending all your time together — but the real key to a long lasting relationship is giving each other space and freedom.
Trust me..little Ashley from years ago would cringe at just the thought of her boyfriend wanting to have fun without her. Like, how can you even be happy without my presence?!
Haha OK, I’m exaggerating a little, but I would typically feel some type of way and start thinking the worst if the occasion arose. Now? … I’m happily dropping off my fiancé at the airport so he can enjoy a trip with the guys. And I can now enjoy my time alone with a peace of mind instead of an overthinking one!
This topic comes up a lot in my coaching sessions, so I know that so many women think exactly like little Ashley: “Why would he want to go without me?” “He probably just wants to talk to other girls.” “I know he’s up to something.
Well, ’ll let you in on a little known fact that I like to share with my clients:
How you bonded with your parents during your childhood directly affects how much space you need, or how much closeness you crave.
If they were consistently warm, loving, and nurturing towards you, then you have a ‘secure attachment’ and you can generally cope with being together and being apart from you partner.
If on the other hand, you were raised with parents that were either anxious or rejecting, then this will mean you can have problems in this area.
Warm Childhood (Secure Attachments)
Repeated positive experiences with a parent will help infants develop a secure attachment. The child learns that they can trust the adult to keep them safe, happy, and care for their needs.
Children who are securely attached tend to form better relationships with others and solve problems more easily. They are usually more willing to try new things and explore independently, and they have less extreme responses to stress.
Cold Childhood (Insecure Attachments)
Children who experience negative or unpredictable experiences from a parent may develop an insecure attachment pattern.
This is because they will subconsciously see lovers as unreliable and they may not trust them easily. They learned that the person that they care for the most will neglect at some point.
At the same time they crave deep attention from their partners, as if that partner were their parent.
So if your significant other were to go on a trip without you, or even just for a night out, you would feel angry or stressed because your source of love and attention (in your mind) is being threatened.
You subconsciously think that without you there with your partner, they may ultimately abandon you.
You are so blinded by trying to maintain that secure bond, that you don’t even realize that you need space yourself. Holding onto this belief is not only hurting your partner and your relationship, it is hurting yourself by not allowing that space for you both.
How can you change your belief?
You have to rewire your mind to connecting time away from each other as a good thing instead of something negative.
Giving each other some space can sound dramatic, like your relationship is struggling or you just can’t stand each other anymore, but that’s really not the case. Having time by yourself is a totally normal part of a healthy relationship with your partner and with yourself.
One way Ashton and I give each other space is by having 2 separate rooms. (The look on people’s faces when we say that is probably the same as yours is right now.) But slow down, we still sleep together in the same room! We just know how important is for us to be alone with ourselves in our own vibe & energy.
In a relationship, you merge your lives together into one, so it can be easy to lose some aspects of yourself as a result. The more and more you neglect doing small things that you enjoy, the more resentful you will become in your relationship. The worst part is that you may not even know why your relationship has become so unhappy.
A psychologist on marriage and divorce did a study over a period of years on over 320 married couples. Half of them divorced, and the number one reason was that they did not have enough “privacy or time for self” in their relationship.
Are you really willing to sabotage your relationship, self love, and the natural need for time away for the sake of protecting the lonely “child” inside of you? Or are you willing to let go of your old beliefs and do what it takes to make sure that you both remain happy in your relationship?
Here are 5 ways that space will help your relationship:
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You will have an opportunity to really miss each other: You know the saying, “distance makes the heart grow fonder”. Space in a relationship can be very beneficial for couples who have gotten too close or too accustomed to really see what makes their partner so special. It allows you both to remember why you were drawn to each other in the first place.
The more time spent together, the less you will have to talk about. And that can get boring — Fast!
Everyone needs time to themselves, and to be themselves. We usually try harder to be something “more” than we are when our significant other is present. When Ashton and I are apart, I really get a chance to see the affect that his presence has on me. I notice that I’m more lazy and crusty and unwilling to leave the house when he isn’t there (which we all need sometimes), but I definitely recognize and appreciate the side of me that he brings out.
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You get to hang out with yourself: Individuality is important to happiness, yet it’s often the first thing we sacrifice when investing in a long-term relationship. Being an individual and being able to “do your own thing” means being a more fully realized person in your own right. Keeping aligned with your changing values, perspectives and even ideals is imperative as we continue to grow and learn and explore.
You were a person before you met your partner. No matter how much you love that person, you owe it to yourself and to them to be an individual now that you’re with them as well. The worst mistake anyone can make in a relationship is to define oneself solely in terms of that relationship.
Get comfortable with vibing alone. It will empower you!
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You build a more genuine connection: Creating healthy space between yourself and your partner allows you to create more authentic and organic connections with them. It’s hard to stay real when you’re constantly clouding one another.
We subconsciously mask our emotions and behaviors and even mentally check-out when we spend too much time in each other’s auras. When we create space, we allow the time we do spend together to be more valuable — which leads to deeper and more genuine connections with the people that we love.
If you’re looking for more authentic ways to get close with your partner, personal space is ironically the answer.
- You allow your partner to grow: One of my favorite things in the world is seeing Ashton happy. I love hearing him laugh, or catching a glimpse of him when he’s in his zone. I love hearing him talk about the things that he’s passionate about and being by his side to help him accomplish those things.
I know that when I am aligned with myself I am the best partner I can be, so I know that I can expect the same from him when he is able to fully live in his truth.
If we want stronger relationships with fully aligned partners, we have to give them space to blossom and realize themselves. Real love is not ruined by space. It is increased and strengthened by it!
- You learn to heal your “Insecure Attachment Style”: As we talked about before, more often than not, we cling to our partners because we don’t have a true sense of our attachment styles or how we connect. Some of us need more physical attention from our partners because we learned insecure ways of attachment as children.
The more you lean into personal space (while allowing your partner to do the same) the more you can learn to be independent and more appreciative of the bond you share.
Moral of the story…
A meaningful and healthy relationship requires facing in the same direction. Not at each other. This means doing life with each other, not for each other.
Healthy relationships are built. They require time, work, patience, and a deep look inward.
