Why Am I So Jealous?

Nothing can ruin a relationship faster than jealousy. We’ve all felt it at multiple times in our lives, but how come some of us feel it a lot deeper and way more often than others, and how can we get rid of it?

Jealousy can be either resentment of someone else enjoying success, or the fear of losing someone you feel is yours to another person.

What is at the core of jealous feelings?

If you are in a relationship with someone who’s triggering intense feelings of jealousy in you, ask yourself if you have felt jealous with other partners in the past, or if these feelings stem exclusively from your current relationship.

Take this quiz below to see just how jealous you are, and then come back so we can talk about how we can work through it.

If you’ve already taken the jealousy quiz, just keep reading 🙂

Jealousy is actually a natural, instinctive emotion that everyone experiences at one point or another. Healthy-minded people can usually shrug it off and go about their day just fine. These are the people who likely scored very low on the Jealousy quiz. If you scored anywhere above 40, it’s likely that you often feel triggered by someone who looks “better” than you, someone who has more success than you, or your partner talking to someone attractive of the opposite sex.

“He’s totally into her”, “She has a way better body than me”, “I could never be as outgoing and popular as her”, “Why can’t I have what she has?”, “I know he likes her”, “What if he leaves me for her”, “She’s better than me”, “I can’t trust him”, “If I act mad at him he will know that he shouldn’t give any girls attention like this”, “I hate her”.

Some of these thoughts may run rampant through your head on a regular basis. The thing is, the more we continue to think like this, the more these scenarios will start to show up in your life.

The Universe is like, “You keep thinking about this, so this must be what you want. Here, have some more of it!”

And before you know, you’ll find yourself being in situations that trigger your jealousy over and over again!

We don’t actually want to have these ugly feelings, so why do we?

Where does jealousy come from?

This internal chatter that talks when you are threatened was formed from negative experiences you had as a child.

Whether you were witness to a destructive interpersonal relationship, or were made to feel bad about yourself by a significant parental figure, you internalized these experiences by identifying with the destructive attitudes that were being expressed.

If you ever felt insignificant because you were ignored, it is very likely we have carried this insecurity with you into your  adulthood and into any romantic relationship that you formed.

As kids, we don’t know what to do with these experiences, so we accept them as a part of us and create feelings around it to help protect us from the next time we encounter a similar situation.

You can be the most beautiful, most successful, most popular, smartest person in the room, but all of that can go right out the window as soon as a small “threat” appears. All because you held these beliefs about yourself as a child.

Although betrayal and rejection in serious relationships can be real, the degree to which you feel jealousy and shame and insecurity is heavily influenced by your past.

The hurt can trigger very old feelings from childhood that you are not enough. Even though you are an adult now, because you never properly dealt with those feelings from when you were a kid, those feelings are still very much alive in you. They may be suppressed, but as soon as you are triggered you will see that you still carry these negative beliefs around with you everywhere you go.

How to overcome jealousy

Now that you know where your insecurity stem from, it’s important to consider how much of this is our real point of view and how much is a product of our critical inner voice.

Is your partner actually acting in a distasteful way to hurt you, or are you experiencing insecurity from your own past experiences?

When we listen to destructive self-talk that fuels our insecurity and distrust, we risk acting on our emotions to a degree that hurts both us and our partner. Over time, we become less like the person we really are and more like the person our critical inner voice is defining us as. That hurt inner-child is causing you to act in childish ways.

You can begin healing by understanding the root cause of your triggers. By being aware of that internal critical chatter and challenging those thoughts. By acting against those thoughts that tell us to be suspicious, mistrusting and accusatory.

Here are some simple tips to help you through your jealousy:

1. Know your own worth. Whenever I find myself being jealous, I just remember why Ashton loves me, why I love myself, and how far I have come from where I used to be. I remember that there are also people who are envious of my life, my looks, my relationship, and my success, so why am I feeling inadequate? Thinking about your strong points instead of what you are lacking will help you get into the feeling of gratitude, which is a powerful catalyst for happiness in any area of your life.

2. Know that jealousy means that there is a difference between what you want and what you have. If someone makes you feel threatened, what is it about them they have and you don’t? — Is it superficial or practical? Is it something you’re capable of attaining? Now that your jealousy has showed you what you want, help yourself get it too instead of feeling ill towards another person.

3. Practice trusting your partner in these times of jealousy. If you find yourself in a situation where you are feeling jealous, try to let it go and just observe. Most of the time we are only telling ourselves a false story in our heads. By choosing not to overreact you are allowing yourself to see the situation for what it really is. If your partner is really at fault, at least now you will know this for sure instead of relying on your “inner child” to decipher the situation.

4. Communicate. Let your partner know how you feel in a calm and composed manner. Example: “I know you aren’t doing it on purpose, but I’m feeling like this is a bit inappropriate. Let’s enjoy our time and talk about it when we get home.” I know Ashton appreciates when I do this and he usually realizes if he is unintentionally making me feel some type of way and glady shifts his demeanor.

5. Remember what you are manifesting. As I mentioned earlier, continuing to lash out in a jealous heat of anger and continuing to believe that you are less than someone else will only attract more of that in your life. You will find yourseIf in more and more situations which cause you to feel insecure and angry. Instead, feel gratitude for who and where you are in life. You have so many great things about you, and when you start realizing that, then the Universe says, “You love yourself. That must mean you want even more reasons to love yourself”, and then you start to see more growth and healing!