What is a codependent relationship?
Codependency is an inability to love oneself fully without depending on the approval of others. It is also an inability to love others without depending on some kind of symbiotic relationship.
Children who grow up in an emotionally unavailable family are more likely to be codependent.
As adults, they often find themselves in relationships where their partner is emotionally unavailable, yet they stay in the hopes that they can change the person.
No matter what happens, they won’t stop hoping that one day things will be good.
Generally, one person will be the “taker” and another can take on a caretaker role. This is dependent on what issues arise in your relationship; for example if there are financial concerns as well emotional or sexual ones then it might change who’s doing which thing depending on those aspects of life
Codependency can take over in certain types of relationships, causing them to become toxic. A truly loving romantic relationship should provide you with moments of joy and comfort; it should not be a source of pain.
It’s important to take a good look at your relationship and ask yourself if you’re codependent. If so, it might be time for some self-reflection or therapy sessions in order to get on the right track. It can also help to have an accountability partner who is not involved in the situation but they are committed to helping you work through this pattern of behavior ̶ without participating in any harmful behaviors themselves.
Here are some signs that your relationship might be codependent:
1. The relationship is always about your partner
Codependent relationships always put your partner’s needs ahead of yours, and this is because codependents derive their own meaning and significance from how well they meet the needs of those around them, especially those to whom they are closest. The codependent will always put their partner first, even if it means sacrificing personal happiness.
In a codependent relationship, you will feel uncomfortable when your partner is upset because you may feel responsible for their feelings.
Your partner’s happiness means the world to you and often times, they may neglect your needs because they are preoccupied with theirs. In order to avoid feeling frustrated or miserable yourself, you might find it necessary to detach from your partner and avoid spending too much time together.
2. Your happiness depends on the relationship being maintained
Your contentment is contingent upon your partner being happy, and you will bend over backwards to ensure this happens. Not only does this drive a wedge between the two of you, but it also means that if things go wrong in the relationship then they are also going wrong for you.
Codependent relationships are like a seesaw; when one person is up, the other person is down, and vice-versa.
This lack of balance can cause resentment to build up quickly in the relationship.
3. Your life outside the relationship lacks fulfillment
You do not have your own interests, instead you look externally to your partner for meaning and fulfillment. You find comfort in the relationship, but it also traps you because outside of it, you feel there is little reason to exist.
Your happiness is contingent upon the relationship that exists with your partner, and thus you might feel uneasy when you are apart.
You might even think about them constantly, giving very little energy to other tasks or activities that could be important to your development.
4. Your self-esteem depends on the relationship being maintained
A codependent person derives his or her feelings of worth from what they are able to achieve in the relationship. Your self-esteem is not derived from how you feel, nor is it based on what you find to be personally fulfilling or rewarding; instead your esteem comes from doing things that make your partner happy.
When the relationship falls apart, this leaves you feeling empty and worthless, which can make it difficult for you to maintain relationships in the future.
People with low self-esteem are often very desperate in their behavior when they are in a romantic relationship because they do not know how to love themselves fully.
5. You constantly seek reassurance of your worthiness
This need for reassurance builds up anxiety and prevents you from being able to see yourself as capable, valuable and worthy. This anxiety is so bad that it makes you feel inadequate, incomplete or even useless.
You might need to constantly seek reassurance from your partner because you are unable to see yourself as being worthy of love.
This lack of self-confidence can lead you to sabotage your own happiness by entering into relationships that are not good for you. If this is the case, then it could be time to learn about how unhealthy behaviors develop, and what you can do to stay away from them.
Symptoms of codependency
Taker symptoms:
- Feeling empty and unfulfilled
- Feeling needy of others’ attention, sex, and approval
- Feeling irritated and angry much of the time
- Sense of entitlement
- Comparing self to others
Caretaker symptoms:
- Perfectionism
- Needing to be needed to feel like you matter
- Having a hard time receiving
- Feeling like a martyr, sacrificing yourself
- Overly busy
How to overcome codependency
Codependency is a learned behavior, which means it can be unlearned. If you love your partner and want to keep the relationship with them, then healing yourself first should come top priority.
Firstly, you should learn to love yourself. You can do this by drawing boundaries with your partner (e.g., saying “no” when it is appropriate, setting clear expectations).
You can also practice accepting yourself for who you are; stop trying to change anything about yourself that you do not like just because it does not fit within the expectations of your partner.
You can also try to find fulfillment in doing things that are fulfilling to you, not only the relationship. If this is not working for you, then consider reaching out to a professional who can offer practical ways on how you can overcome codependency.
You can also read this blog below that can help!
