(12 minute read)
It seems like every woman I’ve ever talked to has an idea of what their ideal partner is like.
Maybe not every detail but for the most part in my experience it feels like women have thought about it far more than most men.
For example; If you talk to an 8 year old girl and ask her what her wedding is going to be like, she could probably describe to you who is going to be there, what type of dress she will wear, and what her husband is going to be like.
She would tell you he’s tall, handsome, has muscles, and a nice car.
She would also talk about how nice and fun he is, all without skipping a beat.
Conversely, if you asked me at age 24 what my ideal partner would be like, my answer would have been something along the lines of “F*** that noise.. I’m never getting married and I’ve never thought about it.”
That’s the thing.
For most of my life I got the impression that most women knew EXACTLY what they wanted in a relationship and had dreamt of getting married since they were kids.
While myself and most of my male friends had never truly given it a serious thought.
In fact, up until a few years ago my attitude about marriage was completely different.
My thoughts were, “Why would I ever settle down and why do some people seem to want it so badly?”
Or “Does that dude really like those mom jeans that his wife is wearing right now?”
Anytime a married guy would start a sentence off with “my wife” I would immediately assume that he was weak, had low testosterone, and cries during sex.
Therefore it would only be fair for me to write this particular entry from the perspective of 24 year old Ashton.
Basically the average guy who was opposed to marriage and my reasoning behind my thought process.
Obviously this is not how I think now. I am in an incredibly happy relationship with the woman of my dreams.
She completely changed my view on partnerships, wives, and overall marriages and it wasn’t even her intent to do it.
I knew I wanted to marry her the day I met her.
These views are based on how I used to think when I was 24 and how a lot of single men and possibly your boyfriend) thinks even well after their 20’s and beyond.
So if you have been with your boyfriend now for a while but he hasn’t proposed to you even though you have made it clear that you want him to, this is for you.
Why doesn’t your boyfriend want to marry you?
Reason 1: Its your dream, not his.
Yes you two have talked about getting married having 4 kids and being the best couple EVER!
But when you think about it, is that both of your dreams or is it really just your dream?
I’ve found that a lot of women truly believe that just because they want all of these things, so does their man.
So they feel that applying sudden hints or pressure for him to propose, it is completely justified behavior.
Im going to keep it 100.
If he hasn’t popped the question yet then I am willing to bet that he does not have the same idea of the “perfect life” that you have.
Seriously. When you really think about it how does a man benefit from getting married?
Maybe he gets taken a little more seriously at work?
Maybe it’s the only way he can get laid regularly?
But really, think about it.
A man gets to buy a $5,000-$20,000 ring,
set up a proposal that his woman probably coordinated,
and then gets to sleep with the same woman for the rest of his life regardless of if she lets herself go or not.
….Sounds like a BLAST….
On top of that he is now in a legally binding business contract that is completely designed to screw him over if the marriage goes south.
And don’t even try to yell “prenup”.
Many women get upset at the idea of a prenup when their man brings it up.
They equate it to their man not loving them when really he is probably thinking logically and not emotionally.
When I was in the dating scene and the general topic of people getting married got brought up, I can confidently say that about 60-70% of women would say that they would never sign a prenup… Dafuq?
In Addition, unless a man wants to shell out an additional $3k-$10k to get a lawyer to make him a bulletproof prenuptial agreement, it’s probably going to be as useless as a roll of toilet paper on a deep sea diving trip.
Reason 2: It sounds annoying, boring and unappealing.
There are constant horror stories from married men about how they wished they would have stayed single for a lot longer prior to getting married.
If you don’t believe me, ask 5 married men that you aren’t related to off the record if they would have waited or if they got married at the right time.
You will constantly hear about how they lost their manhood and hobbies. Or how their wife is always nagging. Or not being able to do things that they could do when they were single.
And to be frank, the guy who invented the phrase “happy wife happy life” should literally get a pineapple shoved up his a** every day for the rest of his sad life.
Where are your balls?
But seriously, every mentor I ever had told me this: “Ashton, don’t get married until you’re at least 30-40. And definitely don’t have kids until much later.”
24 year old me took that advice to heart and made a subconscious rule that I would never even think about marriage until I was at least 35… Obviously that didn’t last and I got engaged at my current age of 29.
Many men have this idea that marriage is a task rather than a thing of beauty,
Just like I did at that point in my life as well.
Reason 3: So you mean I have to start saying no when attractive women want to talk to me? F*** that.
I don’t know how many men can resonate with this but I can tell you from 24 year old Ashtons perspective.
To this day I’ve never approached a woman at a bar, I’ve never slid into a DM, and I’ve never made an aggressive first move until I knew for sure the moment was right.
Not because I am timid or scared.
But because I’ve never had to.
I’ve always been taught to be confident, well spoken, polite, well groomed, put together, financially stable, and in shape.
And I just so happened to be above 6ft tall.
Lucky for me, women are into these types of qualities in a man.
Who woulda thunk?
So a big struggle for me when I was 24 was having the realization that:
“WAIT… You mean to tell me that if I get married and a woman other than my wife approaches me, I can’t flirt back? I will never again feel the intense desire that you get when you meet someone new for the first time and you are so attracted to them that you can’t stop thinking about them?”
Instead I get to wake up next to the same person every single day even if I’m more attracted to someone else? Yikes!
Reason 4: Mom Jeans aren’t sexy
One of my biggest fears about marriage when I was 24 was thinking that my wife would stop being sexy.
It’s a known fact that both men and women oftentimes stop taking care of themselves after getting into a serious relationship or marriage.
My impression was that when a woman gets married she immediately stops exercising, doing her hair and makeup, and starts dressing like a 3rd grade science teacher.
Not to mention that at that point in my life, I think I had only met like 2 married women who still looked decent a few years after marriage.
If that doesn’t sound unappealing then I don’t know what does.
I have to be with with a woman who I don’t find sexy? And if I decide that I don’t want to do that anymore, I’m going to lose half my stuff? No thanks.
Reason 5: I’ve always heard that women change once they get a ring.
It’s like they finally achieved their goal of becoming a wife and now they are no longer in the ranks of those peasant girlfriends who don’t have a ring yet.
I mean they made a whole show called Bridezillas for a reason. This is a valid fear that men face. The woman that he thought he was going to marry is completely different once she gets that rock.
And once again, the only way out of a sh*tty marriage is filled with pain, agony, and expenses.
My turning point
As I got more mature I started to ask myself questions like:
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Why is it that I am so opposed to marriage and having a life-partner?
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Why do I view wives as being so unattractive and boring?
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Why do I think that women are disposable pleasures?
I legitimately had to look in the mirror and wonder what was I missing and was I crazy?
Thinking back on my childhood one of the things that I remember is that out of the 9 families that lived in my neighborhood, 7 of them were comprised of single mothers with multiple kids, 1 of them had an abusive step parent, and 1 of them was a single father raising 2 of his 3 kids due to his ex wives infidelity.
I literally grew up in one of the most toxic environments that a developing boy could grow up in.
So naturally I viewed relationships as weak, unnecessary and non-masculine.
I was overcompensating for masculinity because I never knew my father, and didn’t have a strong male figure in my life until I got to high school and started playing football.
When I really started maturing at around the age of 27 I made the connection to a very common denominator in my neighborhood growing up.
NO ONE HAD A GOOD RELATIONSHIP AND EVERYONE WAS BROKE, UNHAPPY, AND DEPRESSED.
It hit me like a brick and I started to understand that although a relationship isn’t the only factor in having a good life, it can definitely play a massive role in how you continue to advance in life.
The fact is, you may be able to achieve success by yourself, but you’re missing out on valuable human needs and desires that a strong, uplifting, partnership can bring.
It’s important to realize that 2 people attempting to achieve the same goal is far more valuable than 1.
2 incomes are far more valuable than 1 when it comes to things like retirement, travel, and general quality of life (unless you don’t mind working to age 70 and hate to have fun).
Business owners hire employees because they realize the power of having teammates to help scale their business.
A marriage isn’t just an emotional thing. Rather it is an incredibly logical move even if you are independently wealthy.
If you treat it as a partnership rather than emotional nightmare, you can do wonders with this type of union.
This “Ah Ha” moment resonated heavily with me and made me understand its true value.
Once I had that realization, my perspective on relationships started to slowly shift and I began to realize that the right relationship is as essential as air or water.
(The key word, the right relationship. Many women expect a ring but aren’t doing S*** to be even remotely close to earning one…Who would marry that)?
Whether the relationship is with a girlfriend, parent, etc we all have a deep primal desire to find companionship.
And if your man has not yet had that realization, I would implore you to slowly and casually talk to him about his childhood and better understand where he is coming from.
The ability to shift perspective is something that a lot of men aren’t emotionally developed enough to do when it comes to their feelings.
And a big part of being in a relationship is not only accepting your partner for who he is but being a part of his growth.
In addition, you need to truly understand what he is looking for in a life partner.
Pro tip: he probably doesn’t know the answer to that. He probably just knows what he doesn’t want.
So you need to sit down and have that conversation with him instead of assuming that you are such a perfect woman that any man would want to marry you.
Because the fact is that your idea of an ideal wife and his idea of an ideal wife are probably completely different.
Let’s be real, there’s a reason why you’re 30+ and single. Even if your excuse is that “I don’t want to settle.” Maybe they didn’t want to settle for you and chose to sabotage the relationship and scare you away.
So what can you do to shift your mans perspective on marriage?
Again I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak from my personal experience.
The main fears that men have about getting married are as follows:
a. Not marrying the right woman and missing out on other women.
b. Being trapped and losing their money
c. Getting bored sexually because you won’t try new things like you promised you would.
d. Women changing once they get a ring.
e. Paying for an expensive engagement ring and not having the finances to do it.
Here are a few immediate things that you can do to help put his fears to rest:
1. Ask yourself if you are someone that a man would want to marry?
Seriously. Think of it from a male perspective.
Unfortunately, a large number of women think that:
Just because they have been with a man for a long time, they deserve a ring.
-They think that just because they tell him they want to get married, he should go out, buy a ring and pop the question.
-They think that just because they have a kid together they deserve to be married.
-They think that just because their partner says I love you, he wants to marry you and be with you for the rest of his life.
To make it very clear, I’ve dated hundreds of women in my life. Only 1 of them truly had what it took to be a wife.
I’ve dated Lawyers, Doctors, Business Owners, etc. Not one of them had wifey qualities, but yet almost all of them thought they did.
2. Ask him what it would take for him to want to marry you.
Work through it with him and explain that it is not just about emotions but rather creating and building something incredible.
Tell him that you feel he is the right partner for you and you want to ensure that you are the right one for him.
Remember, in most cases, women control the sex in a relationship while men control the access to having a relationship in the first place.
3. Bring up signing a prenup before he does.
This works especially well if your man is the bread winner in the relationship.
Bring it up and let him know that he truly has nothing to worry about and that you trust that he will never leave you hanging or on the streets.
Therefore you think that it would be wise to at least explore a prenup.
9 out of 10 men with a lot of money will feel a deep sense of relief without even knowing what he was tense about.
Ashley did this to me because she knew it was a serious concern of mine.
If you do this, he will know that you aren’t a secret gold digger.
This conversation will help him immediately put to rest any doubts that he will lose it all in a marriage.
4. Discuss your sexual compatibility (or lack there of).
This is huge and I can’t emphasize this enough.
Sex is very important to most men.
It is enough to cause massive amounts of resentment if it’s not clear where your sexual interests are.
The absolute best thing that you can do is make it very clear to him if there is something in particular that he likes but you will NEVER be into it.
He can then make the decision for himself to either walk away or continue to pursue you as a long term partner.
The worst thing that you can do is tell him that you will do that thing that he’s into sexually if he give you gifts, a lifestyle, a ring, etc.
Then back out every time the situation arises.
Even if he doesn’t show it, I promise you this. He will still have his desire but will not want to continue to be disappointed by you “not being ready.”
On top of that, you come off as being fake and divisive when you use sex as a tool for manipulation.
There is a very high likelihood that he will eventually go out and find what he wants somewhere else, even if it means with another woman.
And trust me, there are women lined up and ready to give married men what they want sexually because they know he is the type of guy that is open to marriage.
Which immediately makes her think that she has a shot at getting a ring if she can get him to be hers instead of yours.
Check out Ashleys blog about the reason some women prefer married men. It’s far more common and accessible than you may think.
It outlines one of the main excuses that men give when they are unfaithful.
That reason being he isn’t getting his sexual needs met at home.
5. Don’t pressure him to buy an expensive ring right away.
Good men are naturally wired to provide for their families.
Even though I bought a diamond, in my opinion diamonds are amongst the biggest Ponzi schemes in the world.
Not to mention that the vast majority of them are harvested through murder, slavery, and violence.
Instead, let him know that he can get something not so extravagant now and then eventually if it still matters to you in the future, he can get you something with a higher price tag after you have helped him build an empire.
He will appreciate it and now you have eliminated the financial strain of a proposal. Even if he makes good money, spending 10-20k is never fun.
6. Be realistic and understand that your dream may not be his dream.
The fact is that just because you have a dream to be married and have kids right now, doesn’t mean he does.
If it’s been years and he hasn’t popped the question then you need to realize that the dream you have is more than likely not mutual.
Rather than giving him an ultimatum, talk to him about it and find out if he is actually excited to marry you?
Or is he pretending to be just to make you happy.
I’ll tell you from personal experience that when a man wants to marry a woman, he will make the effort to do it.
But if he doesn’t then he has no problem waiting it out.
Sadly, you may not be wifey material like you think you are.
7. Give him freedom and space.
So many relationships are on lockdown.
People don’t get to be themselves.
No one likes a lack of freedom and no one will wife that up.
Don’t just tell him you are okay with him having hobbies, show him.
Try telling him that you would love to have the house to yourself for a weekend and offer to pay for him to go on a weekend trip.
Give him the space to do something fun that he as wanted to do for a while.
Giving him space will only make him want you more.
There are plenty of other things that you can do and it’s up to you to make the ultimate decisions.
From my perspective, if you eliminate all of his fears and show him how genuinely real you are, then he will quickly begin to realize how much of a queen that he really has.
