(10 minute read)
Here’s the deal…
I don’t know a man out there that likes the idea of feeling restricted in his relationship.
Realistically I don’t think there is a person male or female out there who likes that feeling.
When I say restricted I don’t mean the obvious things.
I’m not saying that you need to be open to your man going out and getting black out drunk every night or weekend with his friends.
If he wants to do that all the time then he is probably a f***ing bum and you shouldn’t be with him anyways.
I’m also not saying that you need to be comfortable with your man texting other girls all day every day.
Again, if your man does not see how that impacts you, then it’s an obvious sign that he is probably not as into the relationship as you are.
What I’m saying is this.
If your man wants to go on a trip with the boys once or twice a year, or wants to go to the gym by himself there is no need to be freaked out.
Even if he has a handful of female friends from college that he talks to every few months.
Or if he follows a few good looking influencers on instagram.
If he is completely open to you knowing about these things then it’s probably a good sign that it’s okay to trust him to make the right choices with his freedom.
Shall we exclude the obvious?
It’s getting easier to get laid by the minute (Shout out to all the “role models’ encouraging girls to bust open their “WAP” to any dude willing to fly them to Miami on Spirit for $43).
There are plenty of narcissists everywhere who are phenomenal liars and are taking full advantage of this access right in front of you and lying about it.
That being said, if you are with a guy who you know deep down is still interested in ACTIVELY seeking other women, then this blog post is not for you.
I am writing on behalf of men who are actually viewing you as a legit prospect to take your relationship to the next level.
Whether thats an engagement or an exclusive commitment, thats who this is for.
I’m talking about the man that you know is a provider, is loyal, is a boss, is actually ready for a committed relationship and is done with his old ways.
So what I am saying will probably exclude 80% of your boyfriends. (jk….or am I)
NOTE: Im also not talking about a breakup. Im talking about just not being around each other all the time.
Here are the top reasons why I find space so important in a relationship.
Reason 1: I’m taking my partners Interests into consideration
I’m actually taking my partners interests into consideration when I ask for space.
For example, I love to watch basketball. I’m a Lakers fan but I will literally watch any NBA team play after I’m done working for the day.
No matter how many times Ashley reassures me that she loves basketball and she doesn’t mind watching it with me, I know for a fact that she would prefer to watch some bulls***t Lifetime movie or turn a Jhene Aiko album up on full blast while singing and dancing in her underwear.
She literally only watches basketball with me because she likes that I like it so much and she wants to spend time with me.
You know how I know this?
Because she understands about 4 rules in the game of basketball.
When the game is on she spends about 60% of the time on her phone, 20% of the time doing her nails, and 15% of the time laughing at my commentary.
Leaving about 5% of the time saying anything remotely relevant to the game.
Your man knows that you do the same thing to him…
Trust me.
So when I tell her I’m going to go to a bar to watch the game and have a couple of drinks with friends or by myself, i’m doing it half because I want a beer and a different environment and the other half because I don’t want to torture her every other day with something that she’s not ACTUALLY that into..
Obviously not all men are into watching sports but you get the picture.
Your man has hobbies that he likes to do religiously and he knows that you probably don’t like them as much as you say you do.
For some men it’s video games, pool, fantasy football, poker, fishing, etc.
I like to go to the gym by myself sometimes for the same reason.
I tend to workout for 1.-2 hours while Ashley can get in a good workout in about 30-45 minutes.
If we go to the gym together and she gets done before me, I feel like I am making her wait and then I rush through my workout.
I don’t like to do that because I don’t get my workout in and then I feel like a slob for the rest of the day.
Reason 2: Sometimes I’m tired & I don’t want to manage anyone else’s energy.
Although Ashley and I generally make decisions together, at the end of the day a lot of the final decisions come down to me.
That’s simply the dynamic in our relationships and it’s not a bad thing.
If it were the other way around I would be completely fine with it. So calm down if you think I am a “misogynistic a-hole who doesn’t think women can make decisions.”
That couldn’t be further from the truth. My partner simply relies on me to be the head of the household so that has become my role naturally.
Your household may be different which is great.
Do what works for you.
Anyways, as someone who has owned and managed many successful businesses throughout my life I’ve had the opportunity to lead some very strong companies and individuals.
During those times, I learned the importance of self care and having the proverbial “me time.”
The fact is that having the final say in most decisions from where we are eating, to finances, travel, etc can weigh on any person.
There are studies out there that talk about how many CEO’s wear the same style of clothes, and eat the same meals every day because it is one less decision that they have to make.
For me, it is very important to preserve my mental energy and decision making skills for when they are absolutely necessary.
Regardless of how challenging or not challenging the decision is, managing other people’s energy means that they are oftentimes relying on you to make decisions.
Sometimes I simply want to just focus on my own energy and make decisions that only affect me.
It is therapeutic and is very underrated.
I don’t have kids, but if you do then think about how much mental energy it takes to make decisions. No really, think about it. Why are you so exhausted at the end of the day?
Probably because you are constantly managing their energy all day and by the end of the day you feel like you ran a marathon.
Reason 3: It makes me want her more when I get back home.
I’ve found that the further away I am from my partner, the more I start to miss her.
For example; if I’m on a trip with friends, by day 3 I start to genuinely miss Ashley.
For the first 2 days it’s fine because I’m catching up with the boys, and shooting the sh*t.
But once that initial shine wears off and I start thinking about my girl, I start to miss her like crazy.
By day 5 I’m looking for excuses to get back home to her.
And when I do get home, I can’t keep my hands off of her.
The reason I miss her is because she literally gives me ZERO friction for wanting to live my own life.
People like that generally tend to have other qualities that make them super like-able.
She understands how important it is to me to be around friends every now and then and she doesn’t deprive me.
She doesn’t create an at home environment that makes me look forward to running 2000 miles away and detoxing from her.
She encourages me to take the time I need to decompress and not think about my very busy life for a few days.
No jealousy, no passive aggressive attitude, no resentment.
She does it because she actually loves me which makes me love and miss her when we are apart.
If I had a girl that always got mad at me for taking personal time, then, this paragraph wouldn’t exist.
My point is this, imagine if you didn’t get jealous and didn’t give your man sh*t for going on trips with his close friends.
I bet he would feel the same way about you that I do about my fiance because he knows how rare it is to date a woman that is logical. (no offense)
“But Ashton, what if he goes out and cheats on me while he’s away from me?”
Let’s be 100% real here. That is a possibility.
But again, the more a person feels trapped, the more likely they are to act out at the first opportunity they get.
The “He can’t cheat on me if I’m always around him” strategy backfires most of the time.
At the end of the day cheating is a mentality that is then followed by the actual act.
If someone wants to cheat then it doesn’t matter how close or how far they are from you.
Hostages want to break free and they will always find a way.
Even if its just for a moment.
Just because you can physically see that he can’t cheat because you’re holding him hostage and have eyes on him 24-7, doesn’t mean that mentally he isn’t cheating,
I see men have to lie about where they are all the time in order to avoid a fight that didn’t need to exist. The most common lie I see men tell their significant other is that they have to do something for work/ they are working late.
They say these types of things because they know once they get home, there is no chance that they could simply tell their partner that they want to go out and hang with friends without dealing with a passive aggressive girlfriend for the rest of the night.
Lastly, do you know how hard it is to find a woman that truly wants you to have space to do man sh*t?
Out of every relationship I’ve been in, Ashley is the only one that doesn’t get jealous when I travel and hang out with my friends.
and guess what… I put a ring on it.
