(8 Minute Read)
I got an email this week from one of our loyal blog readers that caught my attention.
She had been ghosted yet again and she was trying to understand why she was always the victim of getting ghosted.
Here’s the transcript:
“Hey Ashton,
First of all I love your blog. You always keep it real and I love how open you are about your past as an a-hole LOL! You and Ashley have a relationship that’s to die for and I want to find someone that I can share love with as well.
The reason I’m writing to you is because I’ve been single for a long time and I’ve been dating a lot. I really want a serious relationship but what I’ve found is that like 7 out of 10 guys I go on dates with ghost me. We go out, have a good time and then they never contact me again.
From your perspective, have you ever ghosted someone in the past? And if so why did you do it?
Sincerely,
Rosa
I realized that this is a super common thing but yet no one was really addressing it.
The only resources I found were from other women speculating as to why a man would ghost a woman.
NONE of which I could resonate with.
They make it seem deep and philosophical when really its not that complicated.
But hey, it’s hard to give a perspective if you have never been on that side so “A” for effort.
Today I’m going to share with you the raw, uncut reasons why I ghosted women.
And trust me, with the amount of women I’ve ghosted, my nickname should be Casper the not so friendly ass hole.
For the majority of my life I was the definition of a player.
Up until my mid to late 20’s this was my reputation and I rightfully earned it.
I really did not care about women’s feelings and truly viewed them as disposable pleasures.
I was part of a very big problem that I can proudly say that I have overcome.
Please understand that I am not speaking on behalf of every man.
People have different reasons for doing things.
What I will do is tell you MY personal reasons for ghosting girls and let you do with it as you please.
So why did I ghost so many women in my past?
Reason 1: There was a 99.9% chance that I was talking to other people, even if I said otherwise.
I would venture to say that this is probably the biggest reason that most men ghost women.
The dating world is so accessible that it really doesn’t matter if you stop talking to one person because there is always somebody new right around the corner.
Most of the time I stopped talking to a girl was because I had other prospects that I found more interesting and that I was actively engaging with.
Reason 2: I completely lost interest in a girl because I found it too easy to sleep with her.
Remember my story about the hunter vs. the hunted?
If you don’t, I outlined it in my blog post Does having sex on the First Date Matter to a Man?
The entire premise of that post was to describe my theory about how if a woman slept with me on the first date, I would lose interest almost immediately after.
My theory is that it is a primitive/subconscious thing that men and women typically either want to hunt or be hunted.
In many instances, I no longer had the chase to look forward to because I already got the “kill” so to speak.
Therefore I almost ALWAYS lost interest in a woman if we got intimate too quickly and had no problem pulling a disappearing act.
Reason 3: I had no interest in a relationship and was having way too much fun to be serious with just 1 girl.
This one goes back to understanding where you are in life and what you want.
Although I had no idea what I was looking for, I also knew that it wasn’t a girlfriend that I wanted.
I knew most of the time when I was dating that I had no interest in getting serious with a girl who I had just met on a dating app.
In fact, the only serious relationships I’ve ever gotten in was with people I met organically.
Whether it was at the gym, or through friends.
I know that I had no plans to stick around so I had no problem taking off as quickly as a swiped right.
Reason 4: I legitimately liked someone else and went for her and cut ties with other girls.
This was a rare one but happened a couple of times.
I did have a couple of spells where I genuinely wanted to just talk to one person so I cut ties with other girls.
But again back then I had no chill and did not care to communicate that I was no longer interested in talking.
Reason 5: She was a catfish (Looks or personality).
I think this one is pretty self explanatory.
I had my fair share of being cat-fished.
If the girl wasn’t being honest about who she was, I had no problem ghosting her.
Besides I don’t really understand the concept of cat-fishing someone…
You know you have to eventually see them right?
Reason 6: She was trying to move too fast and started talking about a life together too soon.
This one happened to me a lot.
I would talk to a girl semi-exclusively for 4 to 5 weeks.
Then all of a sudden she would start saying things like ‘if I got pregnant I would have your baby.”
Which was pretty scary but not the MOST frightening thing.
After-all that would finally be motivation to start wearing those rubber things that everyone hates so much..
But then they would say, “I want to have your baby.”
Yikes…
If you want to lose an ambitious man, just go ahead and say that type of stuff after 3-4 weeks of dating.
I ran for the hills each time this happened and never looked back.
Reason 7: She got mad at me for something small and I assumed she was crazy and possessive.
This happened to me quite often but the one that stood out to me the most was when I was dating a girl exclusively for about 2-3 weeks.
I was also in the midst of a promotion at work and was highly focused on that so was not able to hang out every day or call her 2-3 times a day.
One day I called her and she was upset because it was later than the time that I usually called her.
I had actually just gotten out of a meeting to accept my new promotion and she was the first person that I called (even before my mom).
She got very upset with me because I called her a couple of hours later than normal.
Disregarded my good news and chose to make it all about herself.
Needless to say, the minute I got off the phone, I calmly and quietly blocked her and never spoke to her again.
Reason 8: I never took her as a serious prospect to pursue in the first place. But she was good looking enough to get the D once or twice (or thrice).
This one is kind of savage I do admit and it happened more often than I care to admit.
But at the time, If I decided that a girl wasn’t quite up to my standards physically to be my girlfriend, but was definitely doable, this happened.
Reason 9: I learned that they had a boyfriend.
In this case I had no problem walking away without a trace.
Even as morally bankrupt as I was, I wouldn’t actively pursue a girl in a relationship.
There were many cases where I had a feeling that a girl was in a relationship and I certainly wouldn’t say no if she came onto me and I was attracted to her.
But I never went out of my way to get involved in that type of drama.
That being said, if she didn’t care about her relationship enough to be committed, why would I feel bad about ghosting her?
Reason 10: I was either already in a relationship or I was about to get in one.
If you’re in the dating world then you have either been or have had a side piece.
Men and women alike.
It’s just too easy nowadays.
But at the end of the day, your “main squeeze” got the benefit of the doubt and the side pieces had to get the young casper.
Reason 11: I assumed that they didn’t care because they equally acted like our relationship was mainly physical.
A lot of times it’s not certain what someone wants.
But for someone like me who was always looking for an excuse to be single, I was always on the lookout for ways to fly solo.
The minute I got a sense that a girl was only wanting something physical, I shut off all prospects of a future.
Reason 12: They were really annoying, clingy, and did irritating things.
This is pretty self-explanatory.
I had a short fuse and was not about to spend time with anyone who was annoying.
So, what was the reason that I didn’t have the decency to call these girls and break it off?
That’s easy.
it’s because I was an asshole and I didn’t have empathy for others.
Nothing scientific or mind blowing, but I genuinely did not care to give closure and I had my mind elsewhere.
In fact I didn’t even understand what closure was and I did not know that it was something that was necessary.
Whether my mind was on work, other women, or hobbies, The girls that I just never contacted again did not interest me enough for me to spend my time breaking it off with them.
And trust me, these girls dodged a huge bullet from an emotionally unavailable f*** boy.
And I have a feeling that most of you who are experiencing ghosting have also dodged a bullet.
It was way easier to just walk away instead of having a conversation.
The fact of the matter is that I was a little boy and not a man.
Regardless of how much money I earned or how good I was at talking, I was nothing but a little, immature, emotionless boy that had a hard time addressing my own feelings let alone someone else’s.
That is the precise, honest, and uninhibited reason why I ghosted people.
I did not care to view things from someone else’s perspective because I was numb.
If a man is okay ghosting you then he is more than likely not emotionally available or empathetic in many ways and he will be the same way in your relationship until he matures.
Out of the many reasons that I ghosted someone, it was very rarely because of anything that had to do with the person I ghosted.
It was all me.
My turning point
I started being a much better person after I experienced an emotionally devastating life event.
In 2016 I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 25.
Up until that point I had no idea what it meant to be emotionally destroyed and to feel alone.
I never had a father and I loved my mother more than any person in the world
I was devastated and was in emotional pain.
Real pain.
So much so that I fell into a deep depression that I thought I would never get out of.
After about 18 months, I eventually had to pull myself together.
So I put down the business books and started to read about emotions, feelings, and empathy towards others.
I discovered that until I could understand and love myself, I would never be able to treat other people the way they should be treated.
Although that loss was absolutely devastating and I would do anything to reverse it, If it didn’t happen then there would be no chance that I would be in the happy, fulfilling relationship that I am in today.
People are inconsiderate because they are damaged inside.
Until they fix themselves, they will not feel empathy for others.
I needed to fix myself because the way I treated women was the way I felt about myself at the time.
Like straight up shit.
