In a relationship, partners love each other and express affection regularly, but do they truly and completely focus on the needs of their significant other? Communication is the key to a successful relationship, and love can easily fade if partners don’t speak the same love language.
Are you fully committed to the needs and feelings of your partner? If you consider that you are not on the same wavelength, read on and find out about the five love languages and how to improve your relationship.
Dr. Gary Chapman is a marriage counselor, and back in 1992, he wrote the book: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. While working as a counselor, he noticed that many couples complain about similar things regarding their marriage. Over time, he realized that there is a pattern in his session notes. For instance, many partners complain that their significant other doesn’t love them, and the answer was that they are doing everything to make their marriage work. By analyzing the responses of his clients, Dr. Chapman succeeded in separating them into five categories. In his book, Dr. Chapman reveals a unique approach about how efficiently to love your partner.
The revolutionary concept of Dr. Chapman improved millions of marriages and relationships. Almost 30 years later, his explanation that people have different personalities and express their love differently is still applicable and improves relationships across the globe.
In his book, Gary wrote about expressing and receiving love and called them “5 Love Languages”: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.
Some people may relate to more than one of these languages; however, there is always one language with special meaning or importance. Discovering the love language you and your partner speak may help you understand each other’s needs and feelings. Regular speaking of each other’s love language, over time, will improve your relationship.
Let’s take a look at the five love languages Dr. Chapman describes:
Love language #1: Words of affirmation
Verbal connection and any words of affirmation mean everything to people who talk this love language of affirmation. Compliments, encouragement, and words of appreciation help these people to understand they are loved and appreciated. Verbal or written ‘I love you,’ frequent communication and show of affection are all they need.
How to communicate:
- Talk, talk, talk.
- Encourage your partner.
- Precisely explain what you appreciate about them.
- Tell them something small, such as: “Wow, the lunch was delicious”; or “I like the way you arranged our bedroom.”
These words will make them feel loved, no matter how small or irrelevant the gesture seems. You will get extra points if you say praise out of the blue. Don’t be afraid to repeat words such as “I love you” or “Thank you.” – you won’t annoy your partner. On the contrary, being acknowledged and praised is essential to persons speaking this love language.
Details always matter, so make sure to remark anything your partner does. Regardless if they have a new haircut or new pair of shoes, show them you are paying attention and make them feel cherished.
Love language #2: Quality time
Spending time with their partner is the most important thing for people who speak the quality time love language. These individuals feel loved when their partner actively wants to hang out. Any communication: hug, eye contact, and particularly full presence without any distraction are a priority in the relationship.
You need to prioritize them and update your schedule for spending time together and giving your undivided attention. This will make your partner feel special and loved. People speaking this love language fantasize about spending time with their partner, including having conversations about anything without being interrupted by the phone or television.
If your partner speaks the quality time love language, you need to understand that time is precious for them, so make sure to create memories and special moments and make them feel loved. They will be happy to be with you, no matter if you don’t do anything.
Actions to take: put them on top of your agenda, and you can be sure that you speak their love language. Long night walk, hugs, kisses, holding hands, and deep conversation is all they need.
Love language #3: Receiving gifts
As Dr. Chapman explains in his book, gifts are a visual symbol of love. ‘Receiving gifts’ is probably the most straightforward language and easiest for understanding. Those people want to receive gifts, and for them, gifts are both physical and meaningful. Interestingly, gifts represent caring and love; when their partner chooses and decides to buy a gift, that gesture reflects their passion and proves that their partner has emotions.
Receiving gifts is not necessarily about materialistic things. People speaking this love language appreciate any gift: even a hand-picked flower bouquet makes them feel loved and appreciated. Small gesture means everything to them.
If your partner speaks this love language, you definitely should mark all important dates and special occasions on your calendar. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays are the dates you should never forget. Show your love and affection with a thoughtful gift. The gift itself is important, but for people who speak this love language, a gift is an object that reminds them they are loved, that their partner made an effort to choose a perfect gift for them.
Another way to show your love is to buy things your partner likes when shopping at groceries. For you, this probably seems irrelevant, but buying their favorite butter or bread will show them you pay attention to details. When choosing a gift, attempt to buy the gift your partner dreams about: the perfect dress she likes; or the watch that fits his style.
Surprising gifts are always a great idea: this will give you extra points and will have an enormous impact.
Love language #4: Acts of service
People who speak the ‘acts of service’ love language appreciate when their partner goes out of their way to make their life easier. It is about small things such as making coffee in the morning, taking the dog for a walk, or picking the kids from kindergarten when they have a busy day at work. Unlike partners who need words as proof they are loved, this type of people prefer actions. Instead of saying that you love your partner, show them they’re appreciated. For them, talk is overestimated, and action is the ‘deal maker.’
Generally speaking, people who appreciate the acts of service actually appreciate when their partner does what they don’t enjoy doing. Sometimes it is about the dull chores at home: putting on the laundry in the washing machine, folding and putting them away; taking out the trash; paying the bills, etc.
Actions to take:
- Do the chores to make their life easier, and your partner will notice and cherish that.
- Suggest how to help them.
- Ask what your partner wants or needs.
If you are unsure what to do, keep it simple: do something for your partner that you know they would like.
Love language #5: Physical touch
The “physical touch” love language probably is the simplest and easiest to understand. Physical intimacy and touch are the gestures that make these people feel loved. When we are talking about an intimate relationship or marriage, physical signs of affection, including kissing, holding hands, cuddling in the bed, and sex, are things that make them loved. As its name indicates, the physical touch is a powerful emotional connector in the relationship.
Your partner feels deep affection and love when you kiss and touch. While cuddling, your partner will enjoy the warmth and comfort your body provides. If your partner speaks this love language, it will be easy to satisfy their needs for you. Unlike other types of love language, you don’t have to make plans or spend money to show your affection. All you need to do is be straightforward: squeeze her or her arm while walking, indicating intimacy while watching a romantic movie. Pretty simple, right?
How to communicate: words are unnecessary. Hug, kiss, cuddle. Physical intimacy should be priority number one in your relationship, which is satisfying for both partners.
Is there any action to take? Be spontaneous: if your partner tells you they got a promotion, instantly hug and kiss. This gesture will show them your love better than any words. For some partners, unplanned public display of affection is a win-win. That will make them feel desired.
Have you ever wondered what the most common love language is?
In 2010, Dr. Chapman conducted an online quiz in which participated 10,000 people. The analysis of the answers showed that ‘words of affirmation’ was the most common love language. However, a few years later, in 2018, the Hinge dating app found that the most common love language is quality time. We will not be wrong if we conclude that the results depend on gender, culture, customs, and values, all of which change from year to year.
By analyzing the love languages and understanding what different people need, you can improve your communication with your partner. A relationship is a journey, a constant upgrade. Partners invest effort, time, and emotions in their relationships, and happiness is the ultimate goal. If you understand your partner’s wants and needs, you can please them without any pressure if you are doing a good job.
Listed, talk, hug, make love, that’s all that matters.
