Breakups are always hard, but sometimes they can be the hardest when you don’t see it coming. When you’re in a relationship with someone who you’re still completely in love with and they break up without any warning- there’s nothing left to do but hurt for awhile before finding some sense of closure from this pain.
There is no right answer on how long that will take; every person handles their breakup differently whether its days or months until finally feeling ready again, but what do we do with all of this pain in the meantime? Will it ever go away? How can we help ourselves to feel better?
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. We all go through breakups and it’s important to learn from them because they teach us a lot about ourselves and at the very least helps us realize what we want in a partner.
Just know this right now, this pain will NOT last forever, and you WILL get through this over some time. It is so critical to move on from your ex, getting over them will allow you the emotional stability and self-love necessary for future relationships.
But it’s easier said than done. If you feel like you’re reeling from a breakup and not sure how to move forward, it can help to check in with yourself and take stock of the relationship — the good and the bad — in order to help you move forward. Often, sitting down with yourself and asking some tough questions can help you think things through and ultimately process the breakup. So if you’re feeling lost, start with asking yourself these questions — they might just help you let go.
1) Did I do something wrong?
Give yourself some credit. There are a million ways you can blame yourself from was I being too clingy, did we not “do it” enough, was I too naggy, did I let myself go?!! The easiest thing to do is to think you aren’t good enough for them, but the truth is , there’s a million reasons why your ex may have ended the relationship, and some of them might not even directly be your fault. Besides, if you’re not the problem then there isn’t anything for you to fix anyways.
In the end it doesn’t matter who was the blame- if your partner left, it means there were things in your relationship that needed to change no matter what way you look at it. Keep in mind when you’re asking yourself this question that your ex doesn’t suddenly become “perfect” just because they broke up with you. If you think back, there were red flags for this breakup, and if it hadn’t happened now, maybe it would have had to happen eventually. You can learn from these red flags so the next one won’t catch you off guard.
Truth is, chances are you did do something wrong otherwise they would have never ended the relationship. However, this question is more about finding out why it didn’t work rather than blaming yourself for it. It’s okay to be flawed and if your flaws were what caused the breakup, then take note of what they are! You can work on them and use this experience as a reference for future relationships.
2) What about me made my ex want to leave?
This is different from the question above because you’re not asking what you did wrong, but rather what your partner found lacking in you that caused them to end the relationship. Being able to look at your relationship through their perspective can be helpful because it’s also an insight into how they view relationships and themselves in general.
It might feel a little painful to look at your relationship from their perspective, but it can help you grow as a person and realize the importance of being with someone who is compatible with you. Taking note of what your ex found lacking in this relationship can also be an indication on some areas you might need to improve on for future relationships.
Remember, it is also painful for them too. It is never easy letting go of someone who you once shared beautiful memories with. If they chose to leave, it typically means there were things about the relationship that didn’t work for them. Rather than trying to find fault in yourself, know that the only reason you’re even asking this question is because your ex was very much in love with you at one point, which allows you to know that people will be able to love you just as much, and even more after you heal and learn from this. Even though this relationship didn’t work out, there is someone else out there for you and your ex was only a small portion of your journey, even if your pain won’t allow you to understand that right now.
3) What have I learned from this?
You’re allowed to wallow, but you can’t let yourself dwell in it forever. Instead of replaying the same images in your head over and over again, try to see what you can take away from this experience that might be useful for yourself and future relationships. It’s okay if you don’t feel like you learned anything right now. Just keep this question in mind as you move forward.
4) Can I find the gratitude in what we once had?
Take a moment and look back at the relationship with an honest heart. There were good times, no? Remember those moments and try to put yourself in that mindset again. There’s something to be grateful for because otherwise this relationship wouldn’t have happened in the first place. It’s healthy to be grateful for all the good things in your life, and this is no different. If you can’t find gratitude for this relationship right now, know that it will come with time.
It is hard to look back at a failed relationship and see the good in it because everything feels like such a blur now. The only thing that might stick out to you is how much you loved them.
For me, finding gratitude in my current relationship has helped me tremendously. During one of our biggest arguments, I had this realization: Even if this were to be the end of our relationship, I have grown so much as a person that I truly have gratitude for him and his love, no matter what.
I have evolved so much as a person that even if we were to end right now, everything would have been worth it. The heartache I would feel losing him would be more painful than anything I have ever felt, yet I would be coming out a better woman than I was before I met him, and with that— I find peace.
You should never regret the love that you once shared, even if it ended with this pain.
Grief is the price that we pay for love, and somehow… it is always worth it.
5) Can I accept that it’s over?
It might not be easy, but accepting the fact that this relationship is truly over is key to being able to move forward with your life.
This is by far the hardest part of a break-up, because all you want is another chance at fixing it so that you won’t have to say goodbye forever. But the truth is, there’s a reason they didn’t choose to fight for this relationship as hard as you did, which is why it’s important to stop trying to convince yourself that this relationship has any hope left in it.
If you can’t accept that this relationship is truly over, then maybe continuing to try for it isn’t what’s best. We have the power to do whatever we choose with our future, but if you’re constantly fighting to keep something alive that doesn’t want to be kept alive anymore, nothing good will come of it.
It’s hard to let go of the future that you once thought that you had together, but the sooner you do, the less pain and heartache you will feel.
Losing someone you love forever in this way can seem no different than an actual death, so just know that it will take time to accept this loss, but you CAN and WILL do it, I promise.
Allow yourself to ugly cry. Allow yourself grieve. But do not think you will be in that place forever. The fact that you feel all this pain only means that there is so much love inside of you. And it is not your love for them, it is simply yours. YOUR love is what makes anyone special in the first place. It’s always been you.
6) What can I do to help myself heal?
There are so many ways to work through a break-up, but you have to choose what’s best for your own self. Sometimes, the best thing that we can do is let go and allow time do its job in helping us heal.
Other times, it takes a bit more work on your part. Here are some helpful tips:
- Spend as much time as you need alone, and only come out of hiding when you feel ready to be around those who love and care about you. Don’t let others make you feel like you are doing something wrong by spending this time with yourself. Some people might think it is unhealthy for you, but this is the time that you are meant to grieve, so do it without feeling rushed.
- Journal all the things that make you happy. Write down whatever comes to mind, no matter how small it may seem. This will serve as a reminder to the good in life so that you don’t forget about it all together. When your mind is clouded with thoughts of sadness, this will bring clarity back into your life and help you stay positive.
- Take time for yourself, especially if you didn’t do that while you were with them. Read other books, go out with friends (or do whatever it was that you weren’t able to do while you were in your relationship), and enjoy the little things again.
- Find what makes YOU happy once more. Start by doing whatever you used to be passionate about before he or she came into your life. If this is something that they used to do with you, then start a new tradition yourself. If this is something that they used to do alone, then go ahead and start doing it again by yourself.
- Learn about meditation. Even just 5 minutes a day can be extremely therapeutic. Meditation allows you to take time for yourself without feeling selfish, while giving you a chance to clear your thoughts and focus on the good things in life.
- Treat yo self! There are so many pampering products out there, so don’t hesitate to go out and spend some money on things that will help relax you.
- Give yourself time to process the events that surround your break up. It is really easy to explain away all of the bad things that happened as a means to justify why you aren’t together anymore, but this isn’t the way you should handle it. Making a list of everything good and a list of everything bad can help bring some perspective into your life and allow you to see the big picture.
- Talk about it! After a break up, talking about what happened can help you come to terms with how you really feel inside. This is also a great way to have someone give their perspective on why they did what they did or didn’t do what they didn’t do.
7) How can I use this experience to help others?
Now that you have the chance, why not share your story? You might be surprised how much it can impact others for the better.
I know so many people who are scared to love because of their past experiences with heartache and loss. While we all must learn how to cope with this on our own, knowing that there are others out there who can relate to what you are feeling is extremely comforting. Being able to express the way you felt through journaling or blogging can help make your emotions more tangible and allow someone else to validate their own feelings in relation to yours.
Don’t be afraid to share your story, even if it makes others uncomfortable to hear about your pain. Someone out there might need you to tell them that they aren’t alone in this world, so don’t hesitate to reach out and help someone who needs you.
I have experienced such a terrible heartbreak, and I am so, so grateful that did. The strength that came out of me was something that I never knew was possible.
As embarrassed as I used to feel to admit that I was broken up with, I am now happy to share my experience because it truly has made me a better person.
Now that I have come out on the other side, the only feeling that I can express is gratitude for having faced such an awful experience.
Because of this break up, my life is now filled with experiences that make me happy and constantly remind me of all that I am grateful for.
8) Can I forgive them for breaking my heart?
Honestly, the day I forgave him was the day I started to heal.
I used to think that forgiveness meant that what they did wasn’t wrong, but it actually just means understanding the situation from their perspective and deciding that you can let it go.
I used to think I knew what pain was, but I have never felt something as awful as heartbreak. It is a feeling so devastating and all-consuming that for a while, I thought about it every second of the day.
It was my interpretation of what happened that made me so angry and resentful for so long.
When I finally got over myself, I realized just how unhappy he must have been for a while. I decided to let it go and hope that he was able to move on from this experience as well.
I now look back at the moments I spent thinking about revenge with disgust.
Now, I am thankful for my ability to recognize what truly matters in life and not allow a false sense of what used to be prevent me from being happy.
9) Can I forgive myself?
You are allowed to be angry with yourself for making the mistakes that led you here, because everyone does things they regret during a break-up.
However, it is important that you realize that the past cannot be changed and all you can do is learn from your mistakes and move forward.
The uncertainty of what might have been is a feeling no one should know. In fact, I think people who discover this feeling for the first time are truly lucky.
It’s almost as if the realization that this isn’t what life is about gives them a sense of clarity that they never thought they would have.
Finding out what you’re truly capable of in such an awful moment is one of the most rewarding feelings I’ve experienced, and makes me feel like I can do anything.
It’s hard to get over someone who made you fall in love with them.
Every time you think about them, it’s as if your heart starts to experience the same pain as it did before and nothing will stop these memories from coming back.
I used to feel so guilty for loving this person so much and not being enough to make them stay. It was torturous, but I have finally realized that it is unfair to try and live up to an ideal that doesn’t exist.
You loved with everything you had, and that is nothing to ever be ashamed about. As much as you wish you could go back and change things, you have to also realize that maybe you were not as happy as you thought you were in that relationship.
The love that you felt for this person was real, but perhaps it wasn’t meant to be. If one person in the relationship was so unhappy as to completely abandon it, then the relationship couldn’t have been as great as you are making it in your mind because of the pain.
This pain does not mean that it was a good or healthy relationship. It just means that there was love there, and that attachment will always have some sting with separation.
We all make mistakes in relationships, and in a way, this is the perfect time to learn from them. You can never truly grow unless you forgive yourself for these mistakes.
You can use that negative energy that you have stored inside of you from the break up, and use it to improve yourself and become a better person.
The past doesn’t define who you are, and the only thing that matters is what you do with it.
10) What future do I see for myself?
There is a reason your ex chose to end things. If you’ve been asking yourself this question since then, it’s okay to give yourself the space and time that you need to figure out what you want. Instead of looking at this as a failure (and it truly isn’t), look at it as a blessing in disguise. What you learn from this experience can be invaluable because you have the opportunity to become a stronger person and grow from the experience.
It’s easy to look at life as a series of opportunities, but very few people actually see these opportunities when they come knocking on their door. We are all given chances every single day, but it’s up to us to take them.
For some, this chance may come in the form of something as simple as a smile from someone you’ve never met, or taking that extra shift at work because your boss needs it.
It could also come in the form of finally calling back an old friend whom you have been thinking about for weeks.
No matter how big or small, you have to take advantage of these opportunities being presented to you because they are your chance at a new beginning. You can make any choice that you want in life, but never choose to let fear dissuade you from doing something purely out of insecurity.
Just remember that you’ve never truly failed until you give up.
If you ever feel like this experience is taking a toll on your mental health, it’s okay to put yourself first. There are so many free resources available at your disposal to help you get better.
This is not the end, it is merely the beginning of something new. So, thank your ex for teaching you what not to do in a relationship, and then thank them again for everything they’ve given you along the way.
Even if it hurts like hell, don’t forget that this is an act of love; one that will make you much stronger than before.
You can love someone and let go at the same time.
You don’t need to be in a relationship to feel whole; you just need to learn how to love yourself first.
It may sound cliché, but it’s true: happiness comes from within. And no one can ever take that away from you, not even your ex. Hopefully, you have learned something that will help you in your future relationships. Be careful not to let yourself become consumed by regret because, at the end of the day, there is only one person whose mistakes you can control: yourself.
You are the only person who is responsible for your happiness; no one else can do it for you.
So, chin up, chest out, eyes forward.
You’ve got a lot of living to do yet, and this moment cannot define your future happiness.
You can choose to let it tear you down or propel you towards the next phase in your life. The choice is yours.
Embrace the pain because without the darkness, you will never be able to appreciate the light.
Good luck in your future endeavors because life is full of second chances.
And when it feels like it just isn’t worth living anymore, remember that love is not dead; it’s only sleeping inside of you. There are plenty more lessons waiting for you in this big, beautiful world.
You are so much stronger than you know…
And when the time is right, the universe will bring you your soulmate into your life in a way that makes perfect sense.
Trust me.
