When you first met your partner, everything was magical. In the beginning, your relationship was filled with love, care, kisses, and sex, but then something happened? Your partner changed, and nothing is the same anymore. Every single day you face anger, bad words, and disrespect. You know that is not how healthy relationships are supposed to look like, but it seems you cannot cut the cord?
No one wants to be in an unhealthy relationship. You love your partner, and your partner loves you, but that is not enough. Both of you strive for a version of happily ever after, but it doesn’t work out. But, when did your relationship become toxic? When did your partner change? What actually happened? It may be difficult to figure it out.
It is an undeniable fact that relationships evolve. Sometimes, partners change, and the relationship grows. Unfortunately, sometimes the relationships crash and burn. Even when love is still there, your partner’s less adorable habits and characteristics are a huge obstacle.
If your relationship is toxic and makes you feel damaged and worthless, don’t put the blame on yourself. The unhealthy relationship affects self-esteem, happiness, and the way you see yourself and the world. Experts explain that not only weak or insecure people stay together with their abusive partners. In fact, anyone can stay trapped in a toxic relationship: even strong and independent people.
One question requires a pretty complicated answer: Why do people stay in toxic or dysfunctional relationships? It is interesting how intelligent people can find a solution for basically anything, regardless if there is a problem at work or any other life trouble. The toxic relationship has an adverse impact on the overall health and well-being. Namely, people invest in their relationships; they spend time, money, and energy on their partner, and thus, the relationships greatly impacts their health.
Something that started as a mix of the right ingredients easily can become a relationship full of jealousy, anger, and hurt. The pursuit of love and happiness can be blinding, and instead of putting an end to it and releasing, people keep falling into something more toxic.
How to know that you are in a toxic relationship?
- It feels bad— all the time.
- You constantly feel the pressure to do ‘something’;
- Your partner holds you back.
- You lack independence.
- You avoid to say and do lots of things because there is no point;
- You are the one who makes all compromises in the relationship;
- You discuss but don’t resolve the problems;
- You don’t have privacy at all;
- Lies, lies, lies!;
- You and your opinion are not important anymore;
- Too much passive-aggression;
- Physical or verbal abuse. Or both.
Sometimes, people are aware that their relationship doesn’t work as it should; they are unhappy but still cannot decide to ‘just leave.’ Why? What keeps someone anchored to a bad relationship? Is it love? Or is it a habit? Fear?
Below you can read about the most common reasons why people stay in toxic relationships.
Fear
Shockingly, fear is one of the most common reasons why people stay in toxic relationships. In the first place, there is the threat of bodily and emotional harm. Namely, people in abusive relationships, and women, in particular, are at huge risk of being attacked. The abusive partners make final attempts to take control and to revenge.
Often, people in toxic relationships are afraid of what will happen if they leave: their family, friends, and reputation at work are at tremendous risk. These people are already terrorized and traumatized, but they also are afraid about what will happen after.
Believing Abuse is Normal
Many people were raised in a toxic family and environment, and they think their relationship is normal. For them, abuse, unhappiness, and poor communication between the partners are everyday things. Experts explain that many people are convinced that love is tough and takes hard work. The misconceptions about love and relationships make people believe that constant struggle is how relationships are supposed to work.
Fortunately, times change, and more and more people, and even couples, ask for help. Therapy and sessions with a psychologist can be of great help in cases where couples want to work on their relationship.
No way out
Sometimes, people want to leave a toxic relationship, but they cannot find a way out. They are in an unhappy relationship for too long, so they can’t find the help they need or the encouragement and strength they need to take the first step.
Lack of Money/ Resources
Financial dependence is another common reason why people stay in toxic relationships. People who don’t have their own money and expect others to pay their bills and look after the children cannot leave their partners. The financial limitations are the reason why people decide to stay in an abusive relationship.
Along with the lack of many, some people face other difficulties: language barriers and immigration status. All of these factors put the victims in an unenviable situation.
Embarrassment or Shame
Some people are too ashamed to admit their relationship isn’t working or that they’ve been abused. Nowadays, divorce and separation are no longer perceived as shameful acts. However, certain social circles don’t accept the end of a relationship as something ‘normal.’ Sometimes, people are under pressure from their reputation as a happy and successful couple. For them, it is difficult to explain to their family and friends that they are not happy, so they stay with the toxic partner.
People who are abused, and especially women, are afraid of judgement from their family and friends.
For children’s sake
When we talk about marriage with kids, many people stay in a toxic relationship because they want their kids to grow up with a father. Some people are afraid that their partner will reject the kids if they leave. Therefore, they stay and sacrifice their own safety to protect their children from the emotional pain of divorce.
People who have kids are faced with the most difficult decision: should they leave and risk them becoming victims of abuse?; should they divorce and grow up with only one parent?; will the kids have emotional problems because of the split-up of their parents?
Feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem
Some people have extremely low self-esteem and believe they cannot do any better than their current partner. Many people are unaware of how much they’re actually worth, which is why they stay in a toxic relationship. Shockingly, some abusive partners convince their victims that they are worthless and should be happy they even have a partner. Therefore, victims accept the status quo and stay with their partner who treats them poorly. According to experts, people with low self-esteem tend to stay in abusive relationships.
In addition to that, people in toxic relationships, particularly abusive relationships, constantly listen to their partner that they are responsible for everything. The victim feels the blame even though there is no apparent reason for that. For a person who is permanently damaged and broken, a toxic relationship feels like something they deserve.
Low self-esteem means low expectations and low comparison levels. The result of this is a person who doesn’t even try to get out of the toxic relationship.
Love
Even though it sounds weird and so unreal, some victims feel love for their abusive partners. It doesn’t always mean that all toxic relationships are also abusive, but in most cases, things escalate quickly. From a relationship filled with love and care to a charming and caring partner, the victims ‘imperceptibly’ get stuck in a toxic and unhappy relationship. All years, meetings, kisses, and messages mean a lot, and some victims decide to stay.
Comfort in familiarity and fear of uncertainty
The relationship does not seem ‘so’ toxic in some cases because the fear of uncertainty is much bigger. Long relationships mean comfort and predictability, and some people can’t let those things go. They are afraid to try new things; they are so scared of the possibilities, and the routine of unhappiness is something acceptable. Not good, but not too bad neither.
Sometimes, people are afraid that their next partner could be worse than the current one. Despite the fact they are accustomed to pain and are unhappy, getting out of the toxic relationship is scary, and eventually, they give up.
For some people, the security and comfort they have, are more important than having peace of mind. The separation might bring too many unknowns and discomfort in their lives, so they decide the toxicity is bearable.
Need to Help / Fix the Partner
Many people feel the desire to help or fix their partner. Namely, they choose to stay in the toxic relationship and try to solve the problems, even though there is no solution. By taking the caregiver role or a savior, people consciously decide to be unhappy. Psychologists explain that children that grew up with a parent who suffers from mental or physical illness tend to keep the pattern. When they become adults, they will do anything to help and fix their abusive partner. They hope that their partner could change over time.
Loss of hope
Once a happy relationship becomes toxic, it can poison hearts, minds, and entire lives. However, leaving the partner that makes you unhappy is not a bad thing. Having no faith and belief that leaving is good means people stay where they are. People in toxic relationships often give up on love, and there is no hope left in them.
How to Proceed?
If you are in a toxic relationship, don’t want another minute and leave. There are so many beautiful things in this world. If you have doubts about whether to stay or leave, check the Five A’s: Attention, Affection, Appreciation, Acceptance, and Allowing.
This may help you to move on.
