There are so many possible reasons why you could be single right now, even if all of your friends have already found their significant other. Society has created so many expectations of what someone should look like and what they should be doing for us at this point in our lives.
You may think that it is not your fault, but we are all guilty of some form of self sabotage when it comes to dating.
To some degree at least, whether consciously or unconsciously, we’re all responsible for creating our own romantic destiny by being mindful about who we allow into our lives. The following reasons for being lonely likely aren’t the only ones, but they are some common causes.
1.) You’re too picky
You might be giving up potential dates before they even start because you have a list of wants, expectations, or outright requirements for them and will only date someone who meets all those criteria.
What you may not realize is that while you think your list is reasonable and realistic, it might actually be unattainable for many people out there who are probably really good for you.
There is a difference between being picky and being selective. Being picky means that you have too high of standards, while being selective means that you’re dismissing those who don’t meet those criteria as unworthy or inadequate.
Being picky is an unrealistic way of looking at things.
2.) You’re unwilling to put in the effort
When it comes to love, many people are guilty of wanting everything but putting very little into it themselves. We expect chemistry and attraction to fall in our laps, we expect someone to do the most for us when we can’t match the effort on our end.
We want to fall in love effortlessly and we want it to be easy.
While we know that the journey is important, it can be hard work and you could end up single for a long time if you’re not willing to put the effort into finding someone who’s really good for you.
3.) You’re trying to get over someone else
It’s absolutely normal to date around after a breakup or even after ending a significant relationship. If you’ve been on more than one or two dates in the past month then you might want to ask yourself why that is.
Are you trying to find a replacement for your ex?
You might even be asking yourself if it’s possible to get over someone you’re still hung up on because they have what you think will be impossible to replace. It’s hard, but it’s possible to fall in love again with someone who’s good for you instead of just someone who reminds you of your ex.
Instead of trying to date someone to replace your ex, why don’t you use that time to work on yourself, on healing your heart, and move on completely from them.
That way you’ll be able to make room for someone who’s good for you.
4.) You’re too desperate
If you’ve been single for a long time and have been actively looking for a partner, it could be easy to feel desperate when things don’t go well.
Dating when this is the case can be hard because you’re willing to put up with things that you wouldn’t normally.
You could end up going out with people who don’t share the same standards as you, which is a good way to find yourself unhappy and back in the same position or worse off.
While it’s best not to give up on dating, you should never feel desperate to find someone. It’s better to be alone than in a relationship where you’re unhappy.
5.) Your Defenses Are Up
Most people have been hurt in interpersonal relationships. With time and painful experiences, we all risk building up varying degrees of bitterness and become defensive.
All this does however is to interfere with you being able to have a happy love life.
To have a healthy relationship, both partners need to be open and vulnerable with each other.
This requires that there are no defenses in place, but unfortunately most people tend to build up these defenses – or at least several of them.
Defenses are not right or wrong. Whether you choose to be open with each other or not is your choice. But it is important to realize that any form of defensiveness will simply interfere with the bond you have built, so if there are any defenses in place – no matter whether they are reasonable or not – then this might be a good time to let go of them.
6.) You Avoid Intimacy
This can be an issue for everyone, but some people are more prone to it than others.
Fear of intimacy may be rooted in fear of being rejected, so you never take those first steps toward building a relationship.
You may fear rejection because it happened to you before or you’ve seen it happen to others and you don’t want to experience that kind of hurt.We all want to feel loved, cared for and wanted – but this will not happen if you do not understand what goes into love (and sex), and how it is supposed to work.
What might help is to examine your life and your choices, see what needs improvement or change, then start developing new habits. This way you will eventually get good at intimacy.
7.) Too Many Casual “Lovers”
Casual partners happen all the time, but what most people do not realize is that while it feels great in the moment, afterwards you are left with the false sense that this is what real intimacy feels like.
So if you find yourself constantly involved with people who are not the right partners for you, then this might be an issue which can be solved by changing your approach.
The most important thing is to learn what you need and want from a relationship, and what will make you most happy.
If you do not know this about yourself, then it can be very difficult to find your true match.
8.) Baggage and history of previous relationships
People who have been hurt in the past might tend to be reluctant about getting into more intimate relationships with anyone else.
You should be aware that this is a perfectly normal reaction – even if it’s a bit counterintuitive, since you wouldn’t want to go around being hurt all the time.
However, understanding how everything works and what you need from a partner will help you get over your fears.
By getting through this difficult period of adjustment and learning from your mistakes, you will eventually find someone who is right for you.
9.) You’re Afraid of Judgement
This might be difficult to overcome, since the idea of judgement can creep up on us without us even knowing about it.
You need to be willing to take a chance and open up to a potential partner.
It is important to slowly ease into this and not rush into (serious) commitments. This will ensure that your loved one is capable of understanding you and your feelings, without any judgement coming between the two of you.
Of course, it’s almost impossible not to judge others in some way–
But what matters most is that you are not judging yourself or them for their actions.
If you want to have a better dating life, then this is something that will help you feel more comfortable with yourself and others.
10.) Unrealistic expectations
If you have too many expectations, you’re being too picky — and setting yourself up for disappoint because no one can possibly meet them all.
As you should be aware, getting into a relationship is not about finding someone who can meet all your expectations.
You may have to let go of some of the expectations you have, so that you are capable of being happy with what others can provide.
11.) You attract the wrong kind of person
You tend to choose less-than-ideal partners by subconsciously wanting someone who isn’t actually emotionally available. We do this because we are afraid of having our hearts broken, which is not unreasonable to say the least.
We tend to feel devastated or hurt by the repeated rejections without recognizing that we are actually seeking out this pattern.
However, this is something that can be fixed by becoming more open and understanding what you need in a partner (and what kind of person is capable of giving you what you want). This will ensure that eventually, your choices will accurately reflect your wishes.
12.) You’re Afraid to Fall in Love
This is typically experienced by those who have had things go wrong before. If you know what needs to be changed, then it will become easier for you to attract someone into your life that makes you feel safe and secure.
However, this usually requires spending some time on self-reflection, so that you can learn what is preventing you from making the first step.
Perhaps your fears are related to caring too much for someone and getting hurt in return? Or maybe you just need more time before becoming involved with another person?
It all depends on how things went wrong in your previous relationships or encounters. However, this would require some time and effort from your side.
13.) You Don’t Feel Good Enough
You may not feel deserving of a loving relationship, so you do all kinds of things to hide the fact that you aren’t happy with yourself. But this is something that can be easily changed by being more open and willing to take a step in the right direction.
If you do this, then you will eventually notice that people are drawn to your warmth and personality – and they will want to be a part of your life.
This is typically related to low self-esteem, which can be overcome by meeting new (positive) people and learning to love yourself.
There might still be obstacles ahead, but they will eventually become easier to overcome.
If you don’t feel good enough, then change that and your life is sure to be happier overall.
14.) You’re Afraid of Failure
This one might sound counterintuitive because we all want success in life in some form or another. However, in reality, this actually has more to do with aspects of your personality.
If you are determined, then you will feel much happier knowing that there is no point in giving up because even if things don’t turn out the way you planned, it’s not the end of the world.
People who don’t try anything new for fear of failure might have low self-esteem or not much confidence in their own abilities.
This is typically related to the inner fear that you just aren’t good enough, which can be overcome by attempting new things and learning to love yourself.
So don’t give up before even trying!
15.) They Aren’t Ready for You Yet
This is typically related to the kind of person you are trying to attract.
Not everyone is ready for a serious relationship, which is why it’s vital that you don’t interact or seek attention with those who seem very distant or aloof.
Instead, choose someone who makes you feel safe and secure by being open about what you need in a partner (as opposed to just enjoying their company and getting carried away).
If you do this, then it will be easier for you to avoid having your heart broken and coming across as needy. However, this doesn’t mean that someone out there isn’t ready for a relationship with you! It just means that they might not be the right person for your life at this very moment.
Conclusion
It’s okay to be single, even if you’re still not sure why. It doesn’t mean that you won’t find the right person or don’t want to commit to a relationship. It just means that their current circumstances may not allow for that specific love at this moment in life.
Whether it has something to do with your past relationships or the kind of person you’re looking for, there is always more than one reason why this may be happening.
We are all flawed creatures and getting close to someone else can be scary. But, fighting our vulnerabilities in order for intimacy can be worth it – both within ourselves as well as with those around us.
I’m looking forward to your happy relationship!
